Our Choices

I once heard someone say “We are the sum of our decisions.” I would like to modify that to “We are the product of the choices we’ve made.” However, I think that statement is incomplete and should be recast this way, “ We are the product of the consequences of the choices we've made.”

We make choices all of our waking lives and each choice has a consequence. It’s how we learn to adapt to our environment, find out how things work, how we learn to survive. The effect of consequences can be simplified to the application of reward or punishment as the result of our choices. The application of positive stimulus or the removal of a negative stimulus, a reward, reinforces the choice made. We will make similar choices to obtain a reward. The application of a negative stimulus or the removal of a positive stimulus, a punishment,  has the opposite effect. We avoid making similar choices to avoid punishment.

For example, as an infant when we choose to smile, our parent smiles back and gives us attention (application of a positive stimulus). This feels good, so we repeat this behavior and see the smiling face of our parent. Likewise, being hungry is uncomfortable (experience of a negative stimulus). When we cry and fuss, we get fed and the uncomfortable feeling of hunger is removed (removal of a negative stimulus). Therefore, we learn to cry and fuss in the way that gets us fed when we are hungry. The idea of “time out” is the removal of attention (removal of a positive stimulus) which we find uncomfortable. When our choice results in “time out” we will try a different choice next time to avoid the withdrawal of the good feeling of attention. In a similar way, the application of a harsh word (application of a negative stimulus) will discourage us from repeating the choice that resulted in the negative stimulus.

Throughout our developing years this process is repeated extensively. We learn the rules of living, getting along, how to be friends, how to be loving, how to feel happy, how to be safe, and everything else that defines us.This process continues into our adult years where our learning is refined and fine tuned. If it all works well, we get along with others, have our needs and most of our wants met, love and are loved. We become adept at making choices that make us feel good and avoiding choices that make us feel bad.

One of the problems that can happen is when the environment to which we've adapted is changed. This is what happens when we start school and transition to a school environment or, later, move out of the home and function on our own. Most of us navigate these changes rather well. However, some of us find that the environment to which we adapted did not prepare us for these changes and we find ourselves having difficulty moving into the next phases of our life. Our choices don't produce the desired consequences and we don’t understand why. One of the impacts of a highly reinforced behavior is that it resists being changed. So, we keep making the same choice because it had always worked in the previous environment, even though it doesn’t work well for us now in the new environment.

I believe this is why we see inappropriate behaviors in adults. In extreme cases, these behaviors can appear bizarre. The inappropriate behaviors which are the product of adapting to dysfunctional environments can be changed, but it takes a lot of work to extinguish the no longer adaptive behavior trained in and adopt a new adaptive and more appropriate behavior.

This process is far more complicated than I've described, and I've left out a very important part - the influence of the Holy Spirit. Without the Holy Spirit, everything generally happens pretty much as I've described. And the results, the outcomes are pretty much fixed. However, when we fully surrender ourselves to God and acknowledge our weakness and dependence upon Him, miraculous changes can be made. The Holy Spirit can work within us to correct the dysfunctions and provide us with new behaviors that are reinforced by Him. We indeed become "new creations."

Father, all that I am and all that I have is yours. I surrender myself absolutely into your hands. Father on my own I can do nothing; but through the power of the Holy Spirit working in me all things are possible. Father rid me of the dysfunctional, inappropriate behaviors that plague me; replacing them with behaviors that are acceptable in your sight. It is only through your power that this can happen. On my own I will fail. Thank you, Father, for loving me so much that you are willing to undo what is broken and replace it with what is healthy. I am yours and all the changes that make me a better person are credited to you.