Growing pains

To be honest, I didn't know I was struggling with the spirit of pride for most of my life. It's only been as I've been trying to grow in my Christian life that I've become of aware of the awful place pride has occupied in my life.

Pride is an ugly monster that pervades all that I do and all that I am. Pride affects my thinking, my speech, my actions. Pride leads me to boast, to take credit where it's not due, to think more of myself than I should, to think less of others than I should. Pride makes me ugly too.

I first started praying for God to take pride away from me. But, after awhile it became apparent that prayer alone wasn't working so well. I wondered what was wrong, why wasn't God answering my prayer with the elimination of pride and its trappings. I let it go for a while to see if something new would appear.

I then read a book by Andrew Murray called "Absolute Surrender." In that book Murray described the Christian living in absolute surrender to God. It is humbling to live in absolute surrender. This concept took me to a new place to view the Christian life. It echoes Paul's confession that on his own he could do nothing, but through Christ all things are possible. I started trying to surrender all of myself and all that I had to God. However, I met with little more success than I did with asking that pride be removed from my life.

I then started confessing pride as a sinful part of who I am and trying to surrender myself to God at the same time. I think I made some progress, but it was very minimal and it felt like I would simply advance and retreat, never making any real ground. Then I remembered an observation Murray made in his book: that we are too weak on our own to achieve absolute surrender, that we must ask the Holy Spirit for his power to break the holds of our old life on us.

So I tried asking for the power of the Holy Spirit to free me to surrender absolutely to God. Again, I made some progress, but I kept slipping back making very little overall gain. I was frustrated. I knew God wanted only the best for me; that he wanted me to be free of the spirit of pride and to be completely dependent upon Him from a position of absolute surrender. Yet, I wasn't demonstrating anything like that.

I was talking with my wife about how I didn't want to lose the ground I had made in changing my life. She told me that so long as I claimed the successes, I would fail to change. I thought about this. That old spirit of pride was sneaking in and claiming success, when whatever success accomplished was by the hand of the Holy Spirit. I was actually failing because I was claiming the work of the Holy Spirit. Now I really had to step back and think. I wanted to be free and I knew that true freedom lies in absolute surrender to God. However, I was sabotaging my own desire. "Why?", I asked.

I think this is part of the answer. I have grown comfortable with pride in my life. It has been a part of me for most of my life. While I am wanting to be free from its ugly effects, I'm afraid to let go of it because living without it is a complete unknown. That caused me to look at my faith and whether I trust God to take care of me. My head says "yes" that God will provide for me, protecting me from harm. But, my emotions aren't so sure.

Here, then, is the crux of the problem. I must trust in my God absolutely to absolutely surrender to Him. I must let go of what feels safe, to achieve true safety in God. I must let go of what prevents me from trusting Him, from what prevents me absolutely surrendering my life to Him.

So, I must take my hands off of pride, letting it go. I must humble myself to absolutely surrender into the safety God has promised me. Only then will I be free indeed.

Father, I confess that I have stubbornly clung to the spirit of pride. That from within that pride I have claimed the accomplishments made by the Holy Spirit, thus undoing those gains. Holy Spirit it is only through your power working working in me that the spirit of pride can be vanquished. I am too weak on my own to absolutely surrender. Therefore, Father I declare my trust in you. That I have faith that you will do what is best for me and not allow me to fall into trouble. Holy Spirit, through your power, break the hold I have kept on the spirit of pride; destroy the stronghold where pride has anchored itself to me; silence and bind the spirit of pride; and cast that ugly monster into the abyss where it will not be able to affect me or anyone else. Humble me so that I do not think in prideful ways, do not speak in prideful ways, or act in prideful ways. Father through the power of the Holy Spirit, I surrender myself to you completely, absolutely. Father cause me to live my life to your glory, not mine; proclaiming your glory, not mine; simply living as your humble servant. Thank you for already taking care of this. I want so much to be your servant, doing your will. Thank you for getting me out of the way of you accomplishing in me who you designed me to be.